I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
