I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
