I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
