My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
