did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
