I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
