you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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