Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
