god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
