nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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