I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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