Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
