You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
