i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
