So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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