bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
