the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
