Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
