he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
