and you said cock pushups were impossible
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
