That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
