You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
