happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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