thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
