Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
