I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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