I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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