Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
