Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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