I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
