Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
