i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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