I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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