I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
