I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Randomize
