Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
