it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
