I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
