is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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