Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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