i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
they call him Oral-B. enough said
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
