Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
