im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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