I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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