I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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