i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
