sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
