Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
