So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
