I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
